We must give ourselves permission to grieve, cry and get angry. Give ourselves permission to feel and through feeling, comes healing.
Of course there are times when we put aside our feelings just so we can cope with the day to day realities of life. There will come a time though when you will find that life is all good now and you are on top of things and the only thing holding you back are the feelings and emotions and unhealed parts of your past that start to get in the way of what is right there in front of you.
It happened to me and I knew I had to do something to 'fix' the problem. I had to find a way to open my pandora's box of emotions that I had for so long and so effectively just kept packing more and more in and never let any out.
It seemed that it was the times when life was good and I was letting out my feelings of love that other emotions would surface right alongside it. Out with the love came fear, gathered in the past; anger at incidences long since passed and sadness, so strong, from my once broken heart.
After my marriage ended, my friends encouraged me to write a list of what I wanted in a man. I wrote it and started laughing, admittedly a sort of sad, sinister laugh. I thought no one could match up to these expectations, this man did not exist and I would be alone for ever. Yet I knew how much love I had to give and what I was willing to put into a relationship and the joy of life I wanted to share with someone who felt the same about me as I did about them. I actually met that man and around our 12 month anniversary I had mixed, confusing thoughts buzzing around inside my head. I felt trapped, unsure, scared and a host of other feelings I couldn’t find an explanation for so I put it down to the relationship and I called the whole thing off.
He was devastated and hurting. I was hurting but also sure it was what I needed to do. I loved this man and yet I thought I needed to end a wonderful thing ‘for my own good’. After much deliberating, talking to friends, feeling his absence in my life and looking to a future that did not include him I came to the conclusion that the problem was not with him (how could a man that matches such a list be any kind of problem anyway?), nor with the relationship itself. I knew the problem was also not so much me as what was inside me. The problem was what I was still carrying around inside my head and heart. I had packed so much into my Pandora’s Box when I had needed to, to get me through some really hard times but the weight of it was dragging me down and I knew I had to find a way to let it all go.
I booked myself into a residential program for people suffering loss, trauma and despair at The Quest for Life Centre in NSW. I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression and Anxiety. I was not looking forward to what I knew I had to do but I also knew that if I was willing to walk away from the best thing that had ever happened to me then my life would be an endless series of running away from myself and my own emotional stash.
What I am suggesting is not an easy thing to do. At the Quest residential program we had a session in which we were asked to “tell our stories” and talk about our feelings related to this. I listened patiently while many others shared stories of grief, anger, betrayal and sadness. I had told my story so many times but I had never once let myself feel it. My coping strategy was to push it down – Never admit the pain, bury it deep – it’s how I got up in the mornings, got through the day and slept at night.
As my turn got closer I started to hyperventilate. I couldn’t breathe, I was sweating and crying and ran from the room. The councilor on the program came out to me and I was an emotional wreck. I was heaving and crying and trying to steady my breath. I was talking fast and kept saying “I can’t do it. It’s not how I operate. I have learnt to push it all down and it’s going to break me if I open it up.” I told her my heart would break and I would fall apart if I felt everything that I had buried in there. She smiled at me and told me I must have a big heart because there is so much in there. I couldn’t believe the pressure my body was under. It wanted to let it all out, it’s what I had come there to do but my brain was doing what it had always done which was to say, “No Meg . We don’t do it this way. This way hurts too much. I want to protect you.” I kept putting my hand over my heart though and saying, it wants to come out, I want it all out of me so I can really enjoy my life and live it fully. I ended up with a blood nose, something I had never had before or since from this fight I could feel so strongly between my head and my heart. The councilor very kindly suggested that maybe I should wait. I turned to her and said emphatically “I drove 7 hours to get here and won’t see my kids for a week. I will never get a chance like this again”.
I went in and admittedly told my story looking at the floor. I searched for words to describe my feelings and it hurt but I refused to look at the faces of the people I was telling my story to. I knew if I saw the sympathy and compassion in their faces, meant for me, that I would not be able to continue. Yes the pain was great and the journey was hard but I knew what I had to give to the world and that there was so much love for me if I could free myself of my past pain so I could enjoy it all.
I came away from that week with a love for myself I had never known before. The love and compassion I had so often given to others, many times at my own expense, I learnt to direct towards myself as well. I thought self-esteem and self-love were the same thing; but they are nothing alike. I have no problem speaking in public, don’t care what others think of me and have no airs or graces but I also didn’t know how to love myself, be kind to myself and insist that others do the same.
That is the part of the journey I am on now.
Needless to say, my wonderful man is still beside me and we want to share the rest of our lives together. I can believe in his love for me because I can now feel my own love for myself and it is true and pure and such a wonderful way to feel about oneself.
We all owe it to ourselves to find that inner love and to be free to express our emotions and be healed by allowing those emotions to flow through us and out of our bodies and minds.
Yours in Finding Peace, Love and Happiness,
Meg
NB A journey such is this is best undertaken under supervised guidance by a professional in the field. Seek guidance from a councilor, psychologist or health care worker and free yourself of the emotions of your past.
Here is a link from Margie from The Quest for Life Foundation about the problems of holding in emotions and not allowing yourself to feel your way through them on your way to healing. A lesson I learnt the hard way.
