This post was born because of a response I made on my Finding Peace, Love and Happiness facebook page.
Anger can actually be a very useful thing. It's what makes you stand up for yourself, to protect yourself, your children, your dignity, your friends etc. It can tell you things about yourself. If I get angry at something now I question: Why am I getting angry at this particular thing?
I was never very good at angry coz I learnt somewhere along the way that getting angry makes people hurt me even more. The problem was I would suppress it and learnt just not to get angry instead of questioning why I am angry. "Oh it’s because I just felt my rights were ignored." I had never let myself feel the anger long enough to think about the why so I just went on living through the same thing over and over and never learning the lesson I was being taught.
I have learnt a lot over the last couple of years about anger and about protecting myself, my dignity and my rights. I have also learnt that there is no point holding onto that anger years later because I only end up hurting myself. We have all heard the expression “Anger does more harm to ourselves than to the person we are angry with”. It is so true. It is our body and our time that is affected by our anger and it gives our power over our emotions to the person, or thing, we are angry with.
So anger is useful in two special ways:
1. It brings to our attention things that need to be changed for our own peace and happiness.
2. It gives us the physical energy and determination to carry out those changes.
Once it has outlived its usefulness though, we need to let it go but how? Saying to ‘look on the bright side’ may sound too simplistic, but is it?
What is the bright side of someone hurting us?
My answer is that they have taught me a valuable lesson. For me; suffering through a cheating, emotionally abusive husband and post traumatic stress disorder because of his actions and threats; has actually made my life better in ways I never could have imagined.
I suppressed anger for so long, I actually became a co-conspirator in his treatment towards me, an enabler if you like because I suppressed the anger each time and stayed in a loveless marriage for 15 years. Through his actions, I now know with certainty that no one will ever neglect my human rights again; no one will ever again speak to me or treat me without the respect I deserve.
I recently read in Sarah Ban Breathnach’s book ‘Something More’, the following quote. She recommended the reader be sitting down before reading it. It resonated so well with my story:
“Bad men are spiritual graces sent in disguise to teach us, through torment, to love ourselves.”
Despite not liking what I went through; I am so grateful for the lessons my marriage (and my ex) taught me because I AM learning to love myself, I am learning to respect myself and ensure others do the same. At the same time I am learning how to live with peace, love and happiness and can apply these lessons to so many moments in my life. For me; this gratefulness far outweighs the anger because his actions are working in my favour. I no longer feel anger because I now view what’s happened to me as a good thing, not a bad thing. There are times when things can trigger that memory of the anger but each time I remind myself that everything is as it should be because it brought me to where I am today.
I hope this helps you in your journey to Peace, Love and Happiness.
Meg
PS. I had a friend once say to me: Couldn’t you have learnt that lesson in an easier way? My reply was that I had been given the same lesson every day for 15 years and I ignored it; so no, it had to hit me like a sledge hammer before I sat up and took notice ;-)
